Sanity
I suspect having negative sanity since about two weeks ago. Two things actually happened that caused that, and only my big sense of humour and finding funny stuff in everything keeps me from massive depression and going berserk.
I hadn’t spoken with my mother for more than a week before yesterday. It was one of the most quiet weeks ever. She had phoned me last week only to create more panic, and to inform me that my cats will die in a plane.
Since I’m panicked enough already and the relocation stuff has been occupying 100% of my time and thoughts, with my sanity already hanging on a thread, you can see how this wasn’t the kind of information I needed to hear right then, so I ended the call and cried for half an hour. At least I found out I can cry again. Sort of.
Anyway, she felt offended. Big time. And haven’t called me for over a week. Instead my father came over and went on how I treat my mother badly and now she’s unhappy and also that I won’t be able to do anything without help (sanity faded slightly).
The second thing was another phonecall from a so-called friend, who needed some sympathy, empathy or whatever, because he had a big unsolvable problem: his girlfriend had to go away. For two days. For two fucking days.
I quietly reminded him how long I’ve been forced to live away from my love and since when I hadn’t seen him. I found no understanding, or at least no real understanding.
After this incident I decided not to invite this person to my farewell party. Neither I need to hear pointless rantings of selfish people, nor take care of them and be their “good aunt” to cry their problems to.
I’m going to Dublin in less than two weeks. I’m afraid, panicked, tired of packing stuff and throwing stuff out, tired of living alone, having to listen to what my mother has to say.
Fortunately my love is coming over this Friday and the party is on Saturday, so it’s peace and fun and positive sanity again before me. But until then I have to be strong and finish everything that I have started.
Sleep
When a beloved one dies, one should probably feel sad.
I feel lightly.
I had to shut down my empathy for the last few days. If I hadn’t, I’d probably fall apart more than my father and my uncle, looking at them both. To feel such sadness from a loved person isn’t easy and I’m not brave enough to face that.
When a beloved one dies, you should feel more empty.
But I’ve been feeling emptiness after her for the last few years. I’ve started even before she stopped recognizing me. I was probably too impatient, I don’t know. I still feel empty, but I’m somehow not more sad than before.
Sleep well, grandma. <3
A quick update
I’ve been in Dublin since yesterday noon. It’s been sleepy, rainy, sexy and comfy. I kinda pamper myself here, getting bubble baths, taking care of my hair and nails and stuff. I’m here with my love and we’ve been doing everything together since yesterday: cooking, shopping, reading… I wonder how long it will last until we get bored… I hope long. It’s sweet.
I think I’ve gained a new friend recently… he told me that I’m a people person and connect with people easily… so that is what it looks like from the outside… I make a lot of effort to connect with people and for it to have a meaning. I love people, but I’m shy. I always have this feeling that they don’t want to hear what I’m saying and I don’t want to force myself upon them, really, so I usually stay quiet. Unless there’s someone I really get along with well, like that one person, it feels like I’d known him forever and each talk with him regains my lost Sanity points (if you excuse my use of RPG terminology)…
My good wizard has been away recently, celebrating a holiday, being with his girl etc. I miss him a lot, and I sort of feel our special energical connection fading away. I don’t feel his presence so strongly, although I feel a little bit of it all the time. We’re in touch, we exchange text messages at least once a day. But this doesn’t feel enough. I know he’s busy and again, I don’t want to force myself upon him. I’ll make updates once a day and that’s it, if he wants to talk he knows where to find me.
If it hasn’t been for my friends and all the great people I’ve recently met, I’d probably lose my Sanity long ago.
Empathy III
My brother says that my biggest problem is that I feel so much true compassion for people. This actually is true. When somebody is in pain, physical or mental, other people say they’re sorry, they express how they sympathize with that person, they discuss their feelings and generally do a lot of talking, “ohs” and other relevant noises, and then they go on about their business.
I don’t.
Instead I feel the pain which feels like swimming in liquid cotton. Instead I get sharp aches in my stomach. I get a numb, pulsing pain in my left hand. I get white hairs. I get a lot of bad dreams. I get a dark and pulsing sadness. I get the feeling that nothing is ever real. In several combinations at the time. The feeling is usually so overwhelming that I usually don’t say much at the moment, because nothing feels relevant or appropriate, which can be interpreted (and often is) as being rude and not compassionate.
And, contrary to what one might think, I sort of appreciate all those things. Not because I like the pain, no. I don’t. It makes me feel sick and helpless and hopeless and numb. I appreciate them because sometimes those emotions that come directly from my empathy are the only thing that give me energy of a certain kind, make me feel alive and make me feel emotions and remember that I once turned myself into an emotional vegetable on purpose, in order to not feel sorrow at all. I blocked all the emotions as an effect of blocking the bad ones, but now I understand that joy would be worthless without sadness.
Maybe there is a way to not feel the physical pain when my empathy turns itself on. I don’t know. It probably won’t happen unless I learn to express those emotions to people (at least to the ones I love) verbally or through the touch (this is where we come back to the communication issues again), which I doubt will occur soon. I’m still too blocked, emotions still hurt me, even the good ones. This is one of my biggest demons. I learn to feel again, and when the emotion is strong I get petrified for a while.
I have to learn to feel without hurting myself.
Empathy II
I’ve got several new white hairs on my head, they haven’t been there just three weeks ago. I have weird, bad dreams that I don’t remember or don’t want to remember.
We all pay for our empathy with this.
Empathy I
I need to learn how to listen to people better. Without interfering, without digression, without judging. To simply listen.
And also, I need to learn how to listen to myself.
