A quick update
I’ve been in Dublin since yesterday noon. It’s been sleepy, rainy, sexy and comfy. I kinda pamper myself here, getting bubble baths, taking care of my hair and nails and stuff. I’m here with my love and we’ve been doing everything together since yesterday: cooking, shopping, reading… I wonder how long it will last until we get bored… I hope long. It’s sweet.
I think I’ve gained a new friend recently… he told me that I’m a people person and connect with people easily… so that is what it looks like from the outside… I make a lot of effort to connect with people and for it to have a meaning. I love people, but I’m shy. I always have this feeling that they don’t want to hear what I’m saying and I don’t want to force myself upon them, really, so I usually stay quiet. Unless there’s someone I really get along with well, like that one person, it feels like I’d known him forever and each talk with him regains my lost Sanity points (if you excuse my use of RPG terminology)…
My good wizard has been away recently, celebrating a holiday, being with his girl etc. I miss him a lot, and I sort of feel our special energical connection fading away. I don’t feel his presence so strongly, although I feel a little bit of it all the time. We’re in touch, we exchange text messages at least once a day. But this doesn’t feel enough. I know he’s busy and again, I don’t want to force myself upon him. I’ll make updates once a day and that’s it, if he wants to talk he knows where to find me.
If it hasn’t been for my friends and all the great people I’ve recently met, I’d probably lose my Sanity long ago.
I need a rest
I can’t concentrate to write anything useful… I need a lot of rest, I suppose. I wake up and I still feel tired.
The argument I’ve recently written about? My friend said that he may have had overreacted a little bit. Everything’s perfect between us and I’m glad.
My connection to my Good Wizard has been recently somehow fading, I’ve been worried a little bit and today I’ve learnt that he has been sick. I have no way of helping, besides trying to send good thoughts and little pieces of positive energy, which I don’t have much right now, in his general direction.
My mother and this whole situation is somehow taking all my spare and basic energy away. I vegetate before the computer. I’m going to Dublin for three weeks soon, and I’ll recharge.
Empathy III
My brother says that my biggest problem is that I feel so much true compassion for people. This actually is true. When somebody is in pain, physical or mental, other people say they’re sorry, they express how they sympathize with that person, they discuss their feelings and generally do a lot of talking, “ohs” and other relevant noises, and then they go on about their business.
I don’t.
Instead I feel the pain which feels like swimming in liquid cotton. Instead I get sharp aches in my stomach. I get a numb, pulsing pain in my left hand. I get white hairs. I get a lot of bad dreams. I get a dark and pulsing sadness. I get the feeling that nothing is ever real. In several combinations at the time. The feeling is usually so overwhelming that I usually don’t say much at the moment, because nothing feels relevant or appropriate, which can be interpreted (and often is) as being rude and not compassionate.
And, contrary to what one might think, I sort of appreciate all those things. Not because I like the pain, no. I don’t. It makes me feel sick and helpless and hopeless and numb. I appreciate them because sometimes those emotions that come directly from my empathy are the only thing that give me energy of a certain kind, make me feel alive and make me feel emotions and remember that I once turned myself into an emotional vegetable on purpose, in order to not feel sorrow at all. I blocked all the emotions as an effect of blocking the bad ones, but now I understand that joy would be worthless without sadness.
Maybe there is a way to not feel the physical pain when my empathy turns itself on. I don’t know. It probably won’t happen unless I learn to express those emotions to people (at least to the ones I love) verbally or through the touch (this is where we come back to the communication issues again), which I doubt will occur soon. I’m still too blocked, emotions still hurt me, even the good ones. This is one of my biggest demons. I learn to feel again, and when the emotion is strong I get petrified for a while.
I have to learn to feel without hurting myself.
A touch that made me hurt
I had a very weird experience a few days ago.
One of my colleagues, not even a friend, just a person whom I meet at parties at our friends’ or in a pub somtimes, has shown certain feelings towards me. Nothing clear. It was a simple touch. He was getting out of a pub and wanted to say goodbye, and he touched my back for two seconds. But it wasn’t a kind of touch that you usually grace your pub colleagues with, it was something that you reserve for a lover.
I felt a surge of weird energy through my body, going right to my fingers and toes, feeling like they’d explode, and I’m not sure it was his energy or mine. I couldn’t ground that energy at the time and I couldn’t save it for later, so I simply had too keep it the way it was and it almost hurt. I didn’t know what to say, and he left very quickly.
Yeah, I had noticed his glances, but I wasn’t sure what they meant. After all I’m married and he knows that perfectly well. And besides, guys simply don’t feel that way about me, because I’m the person they like to have a few beers and talk about movies or photography with, not one of the slender and beautiful women they usually fancy in black laces and high heels.
I feel really weird and don’t know what to do with the fact in order to not hurt that man (no, of course I don’t want to go to bed with him, I’m married, for crying out loud.)
A few hours after this event I had a nightmare about our dog dying, and there was a lot of blood and guts involved; I really want to remember prettier dreams, but somehow I remember the ones like this. This is the way the painful energy gets out or makes itself known.
Time management issues
I’m having serious problems with time management.
It’s not like I haven’t had them before, it’s just lately that it’s been causing me serious problems. I’m supposed to be working, rehearsing, managing the remodelling of my home, making serious decisions, taking care of stuff and doing errands at the same time. Or at least as quick as possible with minimum damage.
Instead I’m mostly panicking.
Escaping into my own thoughts and daydreams as often as I actually don’t have to speak aloud.
And also I’m having a major designer’s block and my concentration span is very short.
The effect is that I do very little actual work, I’m way past all possible deadlines, I’m so tired that I fall asleep in buses all the time, and worst of all, I let down a lot of people all the time and everybody bitches about it.
I desperately need inspiration, a bust of energy, some sense, a lot of will and a working time machine.
And a hug.
