Humpty Dumpty
I usually have a good intuition for people. There are people whom I like instantly we meet, and there are ones that I resent without any reasonable cause.
I usually stick to the impression.
Except that one time, when I met that sociopath about twelve years ago, told my intuition to fuck off because I knew better, fell in love, got my heart broken repeatedly and got my already weak self esteem shattered into tiny pieces, that I’ve been trying to glue back together since then.
I know he is a sociopath, I know he manipulates people to feel better, because he likes it when people are emotionally dependant on him. I know I shouldn’t worry about anything he had said, but anyway I can’t get it out of my system. And it’s been so many years. He made me feel worthless, so I feel worthless. Even though I have a partner who says otherwise. Even though I’ve got friends who make me feel otherwise. They all make the little shattered pieces glue themselves back a little bit. But not enough, apparently. How do I get rid of this feeling? How do I get to like myself again?
Quick update
I haven’t written anything for a while, I know. I wish I have. I’ve been very busy, very tired and quite lonely too.
My relations with my parents have improved a little bit since I moved out about two months ago. My flat is still in mess, but the whole renovating is over, I just have to clean the mess, sort the stuff and pack the boxes that I’ll need when I finally move to my love: clothes, books, blankets, pillows, all the stuff we have gathered during all those years.
I also have to throw out a lot, which is somewhat difficult, but makes me a little bit happier every time I actually make a decision to throw something out. As I had written before – cleaning the physical mess makes it easier to make my emotions less chaotic. Maybe when this is over I’ll finally be able to concentrate on real work, reading etc. If only I wasn’t so lazy, it’d be over already.
Yesterday a friend told me that he envied my husband; he says he never knew a love could be so strong in a person, and he wishes his wife would love him as much as I love my husband. I don’t know how he knew it, I don’t talk about these things at all, but it made me cry. And I haven’t cried in a very long time. Maybe my eyes will finally stop hurting from keeping the tears inside.
Helping friends isn’t easy
One of my good friends doesn’t handle well being lonely. He usually is a wonderfully cheerful person, who makes everyone happy, laugh and have fun, until the great sadness takes over. He gets drunk and sadness pours out of him with every pore. And I can’t possibly help him in other way than just being there for him, online mostly, because it’s usually late night hours, letting him talk. And I can’t even hug him because I’m away. And besides, I seriously suppose that a hug from an attractive woman, which I very probably am, could even make it worse.
I feel so much sympathy for him, or even empathy, I feel his pain, I’d like to help and I’m not sure how. I know, everybody needs someone to take away their pain and ground it. I’ve been thinking about it for most of the time lately.
We talked online this morning; he hadn’t slept the whole night and I had just woken up. We talked about a lot of stuff, like tolerance, religions, life, etc. I like such talks. Each one makes me a little bit wiser. Talking online is sometimes easier. People don’t see you cry. You don’t see them cry, and after what he was saying yesterday I’m almost sure he did cry.
I only hate one thing. I’m there for a person that I very much like, I like hearing them out, I even talk to them first to check if they’re online, I don’t grab any breakfast for three hours because I’m busy with the talk, I’m something between a shrink, an elder sister and an Aunt Good Advice for them and then they say that they’d soon be away from the computer because they think that I dislike them or their ranting. Wtf? What did I do wrong?
A quick update
I’ve been in Dublin since yesterday noon. It’s been sleepy, rainy, sexy and comfy. I kinda pamper myself here, getting bubble baths, taking care of my hair and nails and stuff. I’m here with my love and we’ve been doing everything together since yesterday: cooking, shopping, reading… I wonder how long it will last until we get bored… I hope long. It’s sweet.
I think I’ve gained a new friend recently… he told me that I’m a people person and connect with people easily… so that is what it looks like from the outside… I make a lot of effort to connect with people and for it to have a meaning. I love people, but I’m shy. I always have this feeling that they don’t want to hear what I’m saying and I don’t want to force myself upon them, really, so I usually stay quiet. Unless there’s someone I really get along with well, like that one person, it feels like I’d known him forever and each talk with him regains my lost Sanity points (if you excuse my use of RPG terminology)…
My good wizard has been away recently, celebrating a holiday, being with his girl etc. I miss him a lot, and I sort of feel our special energical connection fading away. I don’t feel his presence so strongly, although I feel a little bit of it all the time. We’re in touch, we exchange text messages at least once a day. But this doesn’t feel enough. I know he’s busy and again, I don’t want to force myself upon him. I’ll make updates once a day and that’s it, if he wants to talk he knows where to find me.
If it hasn’t been for my friends and all the great people I’ve recently met, I’d probably lose my Sanity long ago.
I need a rest
I can’t concentrate to write anything useful… I need a lot of rest, I suppose. I wake up and I still feel tired.
The argument I’ve recently written about? My friend said that he may have had overreacted a little bit. Everything’s perfect between us and I’m glad.
My connection to my Good Wizard has been recently somehow fading, I’ve been worried a little bit and today I’ve learnt that he has been sick. I have no way of helping, besides trying to send good thoughts and little pieces of positive energy, which I don’t have much right now, in his general direction.
My mother and this whole situation is somehow taking all my spare and basic energy away. I vegetate before the computer. I’m going to Dublin for three weeks soon, and I’ll recharge.
An argument
I had an online argument with my friend. Basically I told him a little thing concerning me, that wasn’t really a problem and he made a big issue out of it, overreacted big time, and when I told him calmly that he had overreacted, he said good bye and logged off.
And now I’m sad and I don’t know if he would talk to me tomorrow at all.
A dance that was totally wrong
I was on a trip with my friend A and we ended up in some kind of school, where we were supposed to participate in dances and other recreational activities. I remember only that she liked one of the men in staff and I offered to pick him up for her, because she was too shy to do it. He was also in this dancing group.
We were supposed to dance a hanter dro, which is a popular Breton type of dance, and only I knew the steps. They tried to make me dance something else and it was completely out of the beat. And besides, they danced to the right, not to the left; what the hell were they thinking? I’ve no idea.
I was also walking about the school and meeting people, but I don’t remember anything else.
My sleep has been more sound recently and I don’t remember as much as I would like to. It could be that I’m simply tired (I also sleep more than usually), but I have a suspicion that my friend Good Wizard has something to do with it. He’d like me to have a nightmareless, peaceful sleep, so he might have blocked too much. And the eight hour sleep doesn’t give me as much rest as usually, I often need a nap during daytime. Or this might be the recurring lack of serotonin issue, I hope it isn’t, or I’m going to waste another few months.
A way of sharing
My good friend told me that my voice has changed. My singing has changed. It’s been changing for the last few months, and I don’t know if the change is done already. After last week everything has changed. The singing changes if the singer becomes different, I suppose.
I used to perform without emotions. Or with fake emotions. Not opening up, not letting anyone in. Going towards technical perfection (which I lack, but I’m working on it). There are people who observe emotions of others and they might use their conclusions against someone. A little Soulgaze, if I may use a reference to popular sf literature.
The last few weeks changed that. My goal now is to “rip away the top layers”. It needs concentration, emotion, perfect conditions. I only managed it once. I sang one sweet, sad song to my dear friend, as I promised him. He had his soulgaze and he appreciated. Something changed after that. He said I’m becoming someone else, and he wouldn’t say anything more, because he didn’t want to disturb the process. He said that I’m actually making a difference. I give something good to people. And that I should take from it too, because there’s enough magic in my singing for the whole planet and myself. That’s why I started singing on parties, recently, when someone asks me for it. This is the only way I can share my love for friends with them for now. It’s the only possibility for me to open up.
Even a musician who doesn’t actually like songs told me that my singing’s improved (it was after a few glasses of wine, but anyway). This must mean something.
My singing now lets me get rid of pain and sadness. Or sometimes to embrace them so they become more familiar, more… mine. I know I won’t get rid of them entirely, because they’re part of me, and I can’t simply cut that off. But singing helps keeping me from getting shattered more and more. And sometimes even glues some little broken pieces together.
An old friend
The day before yesterday, I accidentally met my old alter ego. I haven’t seen him for almost ten years. He had cut off all contact with people he knew, and went away to find a Purpose.
Now, when he has recently found it, he came back.
And he is dying.
I’ve regained a friend just to lose him again.
I couldn’t sleep that night, I was thinking. And I couldn’t cry.
…
Today I had a dream about my friend, the good wizard.
He came into my dream only to run away, with his dark-haired girl, and I was travelling after them through the sunlit land (looking a lot like the Grazelands in Morrowind, but very realistic). The purpose of this journey wasn’t clear to me, but I followed them anyway. The Summer was sweet and warm, but I was sad nevertheless. They were so uncatchable and they hated my presence. I stayed behind and felt paralyzed.
I woke up feeling cold. I miss the Summer. I wish I could be the Black Cat in my dreams, to follow people when they don’t wish another person around.
