Feeling nothing
I look at my love… and I feel nothing. None of that usual warm and comforting feeling inside me. I look at my cats… I should have missed them when I was away… and I feel nothing. I think about my family… and I feel nothing.
Just empty sadness. Or sad emptiness. Whatever.
I’ve kind of broken my own heart. I wanted to feel something. And I felt something for a little while, now it’s just nothing.
I wonder if it’s temporary. Is it just because I’ve returned to normal life after four weeks and I need to adjust again? Or have I shut all the emotions and I have to start all over again? Do I have to spend another few months (years?) regaining them?
It was nice to feel something, even if it hurt. It gave me energy. It made me creative. I loved. Now – I don’t know. Maybe it’s just today. Or this week. Maybe I’ll be better tomorrow.
A quick update
I’ve been in Dublin since yesterday noon. It’s been sleepy, rainy, sexy and comfy. I kinda pamper myself here, getting bubble baths, taking care of my hair and nails and stuff. I’m here with my love and we’ve been doing everything together since yesterday: cooking, shopping, reading… I wonder how long it will last until we get bored… I hope long. It’s sweet.
I think I’ve gained a new friend recently… he told me that I’m a people person and connect with people easily… so that is what it looks like from the outside… I make a lot of effort to connect with people and for it to have a meaning. I love people, but I’m shy. I always have this feeling that they don’t want to hear what I’m saying and I don’t want to force myself upon them, really, so I usually stay quiet. Unless there’s someone I really get along with well, like that one person, it feels like I’d known him forever and each talk with him regains my lost Sanity points (if you excuse my use of RPG terminology)…
My good wizard has been away recently, celebrating a holiday, being with his girl etc. I miss him a lot, and I sort of feel our special energical connection fading away. I don’t feel his presence so strongly, although I feel a little bit of it all the time. We’re in touch, we exchange text messages at least once a day. But this doesn’t feel enough. I know he’s busy and again, I don’t want to force myself upon him. I’ll make updates once a day and that’s it, if he wants to talk he knows where to find me.
If it hasn’t been for my friends and all the great people I’ve recently met, I’d probably lose my Sanity long ago.
Five days of pure happiness
I’m trying to take as much energy from his presence, as I can. We make love, talk, walk, hug, make love again, talk again, and so on. I wish it was for more than just five days. I know the pain will come back when he’s gone. I try not to think about it and savour every moment, every word, every breath.
I miss him, he misses me
…and despite that we miss each other every moment, we never talk about it online. We talk about everyday stuff, about our day, what happened, who said what, but we never describe our feelings. I confronted him about that and he says that he keeps saying that he misses and adores me, and that he’s unable to express more over the Internet.
Sometimes I think that it’s impossible that anyone in this world could love me. I’m unlovable. And I’m grumpy. And nevertheless, he does. He claims so and I’m sure he wouldn’t stand being with me for so long if he didn’t. It’s a miracle, that he does. And nevertheless, I feel… lonely. Somewhat empty. I need constant adoration to reassure me that I’m loved. I need him to tell me that he misses my presence, my love, my body. Because I forget that too easily.
It’s good that he comes for a visit so soon.
This just isn’t enough.
When I dig deeper in my feelings, I discover things I never realized existed.
I’d very much now need my Good Wizard to reach to me over distance and stroke my head for a little while.
